My Plea and Apology in my Old Age

A Song to Those I Love: 

I do not hear well what's outside my sphere of interest, I fear. It's another of my current weaknesses, I guess, but I just don't have enough time or energy left in my life to give to inconsequential [at least, in my judgment] matters. And, my memory is blurred or completely faulty on some things important to you. I'm aware of that. Please, forgive. Finally, after seventy-two years, I'm realizing how many things are and have been beyond my control and, thus, not worth too much of my attention and worry. 

As far as people go, well, yes, the situation is somewhat the same. I cannot fix you, any more than I've ever been able to fix myself. So, if you ask for my opinion or advice, I'll give it. Otherwise, don't look to me to solve your problems. I can barely handle my own...and I'm slowly losing ground in that effort. Let me, at least, hang around the edges and observe. Sure, I love you--I just know my limitations better than most others in my world. 

If you should choose to ignore me completely, I'll understand. I cannot affect that attitude very much. I do have some things to offer you in my old age; I'm not a complete burden yet. Just understand please that physically I can't go and go like others can and my nerves are a bit frazzled after seven decades so I may at times be grouchy or seem to isolate myself. Don't toss me into the nursing-home trash, just yet.

My faith, my Jan, my loves, my rest, my hobby---these consume my motivation. All else, necessarily, comes after these. I don't, unfortunately, have as much of myself to give as I once did. Please be understanding...I truly am working on improving my behavior to the best of my ability, even though I don't and can't always explain what's going on inside me as I change.

"I's" and "my's" are filling these paragraphs which shows how my world is collapsing in upon itself---with less and less outside to distract and complete it. Do I hold some very strong opinions? Am I intractable, bullheaded, headstrong in my beliefs? Am I becoming more uncompromising each year about these matters? Yeah, I guess. But, you will too as you age. Humor me for just a while longer...and please forgive me when I somehow interfere with your world without recognizing what I am doing. Yes, please forgive!

This spring, from the outside, I watched as three employees got screwed by their "superiors"  who not only took advantage of the system themselves but also helped, unfairly, certain other not-so-deserving employees. I would have presumed that anyone's sense of fairness would have been startled by these events, but no, when I started pointing this out...for the most part, others didn't notice or care or want to be involved in conflict of any kind for any reason. I did speak out vehemently, and a few people reacted, for the most part, I'm afraid, in fear or consternation that their spheres of influence might be affected. It's so much easier just to observe others and think smugly about how hyper and righteous they are being...

I want to say to my children (again) and to my grandchildren: You will never ever feel embarrassed for speaking out to defend what is right. You may be mocked or retaliated against, but you will always know the value of your stand. Most people simply want to live their lives celebrating themselves and resting comfortably in their routines---attitudes that led once upon a time slowly and certainly to death camps. From my safe distance now, I urge you to evaluate everything you encounter in your life carefully and always choose to defend the right!

I leave you, also, this warning: "The worst evils which mankind ever had to endure were inflicted by bad governments. The state can be and has often been in the course of history the main source of mischief and disaster." ---Ludwig von Mises

Album-ed Away

In this old age,
shopworn photos of decades past,
curiosities provoking an occasional smile
[Being, but no pressing Purpose]
and so, one gets album-ed away.

Shudder away the cover-dust,
remains of sparkle and spring forever spent.
Pages yellowed, edges crumbled...
disregard and negligence
become a looming death.

Within this abandoned cache
of fading memories, the stillness stifles,
dryness parches our careless, captured souls.

This album's abandoned warehouse
reverberates the hollowness of dust and gray and loss...
one walks across cluttered floors carefully---
almost on tiptoes.

So, we live on...
barely noticed and  increasingly alone,
hoping to make each last look
worth the halted time it took.

My Hidden Tears

           My Hidden Tears

Life moments, not cataloged,

wander painfully away.

A few fractured shards linger---alone,

revealing that fearsome, gray

phantasm . . . the silence of forgetting.

Oh, that hateful amnesia,

the wound and ache and scar,

that shrivels my hopeless heart

and chills me through, a north star

of only lonely defeat.

My hidden teardrops mark Despair

along a narrow trail growing rougher.

My growing brainlessness

no longer urges a buffer,

I simply forget.

When did this start, and . . .

where did I go?

Faith, Belief, and "Escapes"

Our safe place, our comfort zone, our man cave, our country, our world...We all live our lives within boundaries, some self-imposed, others established by outside forces and events. For, even as God gives us the Free Will to select, we can and often do choose Restriction, some counter-intuitive constraint. Wonder why that is? Some fear of self-destruction? Some inborn Doubt?

Acceptance of limitations has been for me an on-going life process. At various stages of my life, I've discovered new, specific ones that come with each particular phase. I've also occasionally in reflection identified ones that I had overlooked or denied in years past. Life, here on earth with our inhibitions, is too often merely a recognition of various self-illusions. Then...deciding what to do, if possible or if wanted, about them.

At some point in my early manhood, I decided though that I could control and manipulate much of what life threw my way. And I proceeded to do so in a headlong fashion, often overlooking the welfare of those in my path, not maliciously, just in a self-absorbed egoism. A fervent I'm in charge here manner characterized much of my behavior although I knew down deep, intestinally that only something obscene could lead one to such a manner. Don't get me wrong; my influence on situations and on others was very limited---as I believe is true for all of us. (It takes drama and a massive ego to conclude that you're a meaningful factor in the lives of very many others.) Though the degree of intensity may vary, the ongoing clash between self-doubt and fear vs. self-importance and ego is for all of us ceaseless, I think. 

The successful accomplishing of this battle requires God's compassionate hand, I believe. "For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, move from here to there, and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you” ~ Matthew 17:20. As long as one proceeds within the will of God and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, anything is achievable--yes, it is. But, only in step with those two restrictions! "Therefore I say unto you, 'What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive [them], and ye shall have [them]' " ~ Mark 11:24. Likewise, effective prayer, our communication with God, demands a belief and faith that we seldom can achieve. But, it's there for us if we can. "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it" ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13. Facing the vagaries and sinfulness of this world requires that we seek the "escapes" that God makes available...yep, sure enough.

Whew! my rambling got revved up in these remarks. Unfortunately, as Christians, we mouth certain cliches and espouse certain processes that we simply don't completely believe, at least to the point of living our daily lives based on them. Are they illusions that reside within our delusions? I imagine so. 

Moving Farther South

       Well, it's 57 degrees outside, foggy and misty---utterly damp and ugly, tolerable only because it's warmer than it has been for days, albeit now they're saying a glaze of ice and an inch of snow by daybreak. My sister nearby texts that she's turned on the gas fireplace, fixed a pot of vegetable beef soup, and is sitting back digging into a book. My brother in Florida texts dryly joking that with a couple of freezing-night forecasts ahead, they may just sell their house and move farther south. (Venezuela, I presumed.)

       But, you know, and we DO know, (we learned it young) life is not about the weather and such mundane things. Their circumstances and outcomes are mainly incidental pleasantries or irritants. Life is about our relationships with other people. And the effort to maintain them and to improve them is much more monumental than dealing with the weather. Sometimes, that effort is overwhelming---heart-wrenching, even. Sometimes, it's no effort at all---laughter and joy.

       Life never runs out of trials and troubles, joys and loves---and never will. Just so, the weather is always here. The on and on and on forever looms, and we simply, "Take hold of the eternal life to which [we] were called when [we] made [our] good confession..." --1 Tim 6:12. Hope you've done that. At 72, I better understand how inconsequential the various disquieting matters of this world and life actually are. Time can do that for one.
       I love one relational remark attributed to Martin Luther King, Jr., "Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." We may, of course, strive. But, that effort must always be a generous and true effort to help others as well as ourselves amidst the chaos of our particular days and time. Any other warfare is of cursory value and will have only a momentary impact.
       Jesus doesn't give us an ongoing option of "moving south." His everyday call to us is to love those around us wherever we are. That is more challenge than most of us can handle anyway. In this failure, to some degree is our earthly existence. Jesus loved purely, consistently and was killed in so doing.
       There is an ever-present evil among us. Refuse to call it Satan, if you will. The world is under its frenetic government. Brutal killings, sexual disloyalties, fighting, quarreling, child abuse and trafficking, warfare, bullying, abortion---that list goes on and on and on; its disgusting length and variety are simply overwhelming. Loving within that world opens one to all kinds of heartache. Loving within that world is recognized as a vulnerability. The Un-selfish has no home within a Selfish, evil world.
       The Dark Underside truly does exist and does have a recurring, sporadic control of human events.  We can choose to live trying to move farther south, but we can never move far enough. We must keep the faith by trying to introduce the Light of Jesus into it. Hence, I faithfully and combatively  insist on the truth of the old hymn, "If Heaven's not my home, then, Lord what will I do?" 

My Greatest Fear as I Age

       Each new bump, mole, and brown spot; each new ache in whatever lucky body part; each new, superfluous bowel sound; each new offbeat and  clanking, harsh and jarring song attacking one's hairy ears; each new short nap necessary to keep one going the rest of the day---each of these is a forewarning of my journey's ultimate and persistently approaching  destination. One needs a considerable sense of humor to appreciate the actuality of the matter appropriately.

       In utter truth though, one can do little or nothing about it---so why not laugh at it and forge ahead? A friend once told me life is a walking along, with your body parts once in a while exclaiming, "Really?" Another said he always planned carefully before bending over to pick up something to be sure he got anything else he might need while down there. One laughs heartily as he tells of buying a new car one afternoon and waking up the next morning surprised to find a new Buick in his driveway.

       That memory thing is the real rub! It's possibly my greatest fear as I age. Is it perhaps dementia? Is it Alzheimer's setting in? Is it nothing at all? Is it normal "forgetting"? I sometimes forget the details. Sometimes I cannot remember anything of various events in my past. Sometimes, I tell a story incorrectly without a clue I'm doing so till someone kindly corrects me. But, am I doing okay? Yeah, I think so. Many of those things are of little import anyway. One really can enjoy the present without superbly detailed memories of the past.

       I'm told, by folks very concerned about my welfare, that you know you're  getting old when your face wrinkles, your hair grays---but, more so, when you start listing signs of getting old. My doctor recently complimented me on my good health. I said, "Well, Doc, I never drank, I quit smoking, and every night when I get up to go to the bathroom, the good Lord turns the light on for me." To which Jan quickly replied, "That explains who's been peeing in the fridge!"

       

Growing Old in Winter

This cutting cold chews steadily away 
at my obscene desire to be.
And I pause, frightfully a-freezing, 
faintly sensible 
to palpable life's crying pleas 
for doings and goings and lovings... 
and talk...and laughter.

Other seasons, they surely await me---
somewhere a spring . . .
even, God-willing, a summer?
                           ---RLW